This is Fajua Singh, the world’s oldest known marathon runner. He’s a hundred (!) years old and ran his first marathon at age 89. Singh himself has stated, “I won’t stop running until I die.”
I know people who can’t even get their asses off the couch - whining about how hard running is and how tough it is to get into shape. Yes, you should be ashamed.
First of all, before I talk about the movie at all, I want you to know more about my background. I am a huge fan of the Conan mythos; I’ve seen the old movies several times, I’ve read all Conan content Robert E. Howard ever produced, I’ve looked at more than a few comic books, seen the old animated series, I played Age of Conan MMO for many months, I’ve grown to despise the no-good deliberate distorter L. Sprague de Camp and I’ve even read the seven awful Conan books written by Robert Jordan. So, when I say I know Conan, I know Conan.
I went into this movie with an open mind, although with pretty low expectations, hoping despite all the negative reviews to find a decent action flick with a lot of blood and gore. But what I found was a letdown, to say the least. All I kept thinking was “this film is terrible”.
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Even asphalt is my bitch. That is all.
This is my argumentative essay exam from this semester. Keep in mind that it was written without any aid whatsoever; they locked us in a room with just a few papers and a pen. Also, I’ve tried to transcribe it word-for-word, with spelling errors and all, so don’t expect any kind of masterpiece - in fact, it’s rather simplistic in shape and form.
So, why am I doing this, you might ask. Well, I’m bored, but I also think my points are pretty decent and deserves to be read, especially today.
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I don’t seem to be getting much in the way of questions lately, but in the interest of keeping your minds far too busy for unnecessary soul-searching, here are a few masterfully formulated answers to at least some of the more coherent questions:
Broel asks:
You seem to be fond of names involving fruit and vegetables. Can you tell us a few more of them?
I’m known as the Beatific Banana among the Chiquita crowd and went by the name Titanic Tomato when I was working undercover at the Heinz company. The rest are classified.
Mischa, from D.C, wonders:
What attracts you?
Except a well-placed industrial strength magnet? Less questions.
What do you do on your spare time?
Save up time for a bigger spare time? Can I answer a question with another question? I think I can?
Anonym0us ponders:
I recognize all your stuff from somewhere. Isn’t it all, in fact, stolen?
Wha– no?
…
…..
What? You think I’m lying?
…
Fine. Yes, it’s all stolen. Every scrap.
…
Damn you.
Your puny scientists have yet to discover how our neural networks create self-consciousness, let alone how the human mind processes two-dimensional retinal images into the three-dimensional phenomenon known as perception. Yet you somehow shamelessly declare seeing is believing? Your scientific illiteracy makes the Great Asparagus shudder in disgust. I wouldn’t flaunt your ignorance by telling anyone that you saw me running naked through the streets last night. No, I wouldn’t do that at all. I have a reputation to maintain, I tell you.
Right. Here we go again:
Shotgun Wonders:
Do you have any tattoos?
I’ve got a Tapir on my left shoulder blade. It represents my mysterious and grossly misunderstood nature. Plus, well… no, never mind
Broel asks:
Where do you see yourself in ten years?
Not dead, that’s for sure! Or at least a very handsome undead. Oh, sorry, an episode of “The Walking Dead” is on in the background. Ten years? I’ll probably be retired after finally ridding the world of cabbage.
Crabs states:
I hate you.
That’s not really a question. My powers of observation astound you.
Brawn inquires:
What was the last book you read?
The dictionary. I was looking up the word vitrify, after a former client wanted me to vitrify the city of Wan Cho, where, completely incidentally (he assured me), his wife was on vacation
Do you like to party?
The last person to ask me this question was a suicide bomber who thence proceeded to blow himself up in my face. I was too busy flying head first through the air to come up with a decent answer.
In Iain M. Banks’ Culture novels almost every starship has a “mind” controlling it. These minds are sentient “machines” hundreds, if not thousands, times more intelligent than their creators (and the rest of the non-mind inhabitants of the culture). They pretty much control everything on board their ship - basically making it their body.
These minds choose their own names, and, as a consequence, the name of the ships they “inhabit”. The names usually do more than just give them a designation; it may express something about a particular mind’s personality, character, or even goal in life. Many a time these names are weird in the extreme, and/or very funny. Here are a few of my favorite ones.
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More questions answered by none other than The Almighty Asparagus.
Randomizer, from Swed’n, wonders:
Do you drink much coffe?
Yes, quite a lot. But not too much. Excessive consumption results in an incredible amount of military and media attention. Besides - I don’t want to support the coffe industry too much; they have loose connections with cabbage high command.
Mike asks:
What does your favorite pair of socks look like?
First off, what’s with all the questions, Mr. Mike-man? I’ve gotten approximately thirty-four of them from you now. Are you a member of the Spanish Inquisition? Well, are you? Are you?!
I only own one pair of socks, and I assure you, I wear them religiously every day. They were black, once upon a time. But they are so massively and beautifully patched that I sometimes wonder if there is anything left of the original materials.
Lee asks:
What song is stuck in your head right bow?
What the hell kind of a question is that? Nothing ever gets stuck in the head of The Almighty Asparagus. Except maybe forks.
Can you sing?
What’s with all the music questions? Are you a representative of the music industry? Leave me alone! I will not sing anything with Tom Jones ever again! It was a one time thing! I was drunk at the time!
I haven’t posted anything in the blog for, well, about half a year now. There are several reasons why, but the main reason is not really having the time (having other priorities).
But I simply can’t ignore my tradition of posting the (fiction) books I’ve read during the past year. So, here we are. I know it’s not a lot of books, in fact, it may the fewest I’ve ever read during a year since I was ten, or something. I’ve included a few notes on most of the books, but don’t expect anything extensive.
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